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Dear Gwyneth Paltrow:

April 22, 2011

I want to love you.  You are most likely fabulous.  HOWEVER.  This advice column thingy you have?  Where you describe your day as a typical working mom?  Hey, I’m a working mom!  So let’s have a looky loo and see how it compares to mine.

I try to seize the “Juliet time” first thing in the morning.  I get up between 5:30 and 6 a.m.

“Juliet time”?  What the fuck are you on about?

I’ve found that having a trainer come to my house on Monday mornings really motivates me.

Monday morning?  That’s about the time I come stumbling into the kitchen carrying a wineglass from the night before, screaming at my kids to “Stop screaming!”  Yeah, I know.

I was given an amazing present of a makeup lesson with Wallet Lubrich.  She taught me to do my daily makeup in 5 minutes!

Wait, you got a makeup lesson from somebody named Wallet?  Why the hell would you listen to anyone named Wallet, much less let them draw on your face with colored pencils?

This fall, my children started at the same school.  Our morning drive together is treasured time.

My children are in two different schools, which means I only have to deal with one of the little soul suckers at a time.

My day is a blur from the moment I arrive in the office, but that’s how I like it.  I have the benefit of an amazing assistant, without whom I could not make it happen.

Of course.  You LOOOOOVE her and right now she is smiling sweetly while plotting your death.

OK, that’s it.  I’m starting to think you sit atop an apex of shit.  (Thanks, Noel Gallagher!)  Get your head sorted, Gwyneth Paltrow.  Get your head sorted.

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