“What Are You, Stupid?” And Other Things Not To Say On A Date.
Yes, it’s true. Aunt Kitten has been on many dates. Many, many, many dates. I am not sure why this is — either I was really good at it, really bad at it or just wanted to break in a new pair of Jimmy Choos. Whatever, the point is I know whereof I speak. So I thought I would provide you slackers with a few of the best lines I’ve heard on dates, both good AND bad. You be the judge!
“All women have a rape fantasy. No, it’s true. Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Let’s go see my friend’s band! They’re kind of like GG Allin, except they don’t shit on the stage. I think.”
“Do you want to listen to The Pretty Things? Because you totally make me think of them.”
“I like your hair. Have you always had it?”
“I try to be a gentleman. Like for instance, I would not ask if your boobs are real.”
“I knew you were a honey when I heard you ask the bartender for a real wineglass.”
“Are you sure you’re not a stripper? Just because you’re a really good dancer, not because you’re slutty or anything. OK, I’ll just stop talking now.”
“I can’t believe how much you look like my ex-girlfriend. Here, I have a picture.”
“Wow, sweet kicks!” (Referring to said Jimmy Choos.)
And of course, the all time craziest thing I have ever heard on a date:
“So then I told her that I wouldn’t personally kill her, but I wouldn’t be upset if someone else did.”
Yeah, I don’t know if that one really qualifies, because I bailed before the next word made it out of his mouth. And changed my phone number.