So…..the Emmys, Right?

I never watch these shows, but I do like to check out the dresses.  Honestly, if that is the most interesting thing about the broadcast, you should probably make some changes.  There’s a free tip for you, Emmy producers!  So let’s have a look, shall we?

I always think when you find out a friend is getting divorced, a lot depends on how they look the next time you see them.  For instance, if you run into them at Starbucks looking like they 1) are not sleeping, 2) may have  been crying in the car and 3) have something that looks suspiciously like ice cream on their clothing, then the divorce thing is NOT GOING WELL.  If, on the other hand, the person looks happy, then it’s probably going to work out for the best.

I am torn about this one, because I absolutely loved Amy Poehler and Will Arnett together.  But you cannot deny that Amy Poehler looks HAWT. 

This is the worst.  It looks heavy and hot.  It also adds several inches to her hips which she does not have and I ask you: who needs extra inches on their hips?  NOBODY, that’s who.

Also, she looks miserable.  Emmy FAIL.

This dress is lovely.  I’m not usually a fan of satin, but Gretchen Mol here is making it work.  Her hair and makeup are gorgeous, but what the hell is going on down at her feet?  Those clear plastic, bow tied monsters are killing the whole look.  If you see a pair of shoes and immediately think, “My four year old daughter would love to play dress up in them!” they are probably not red carpet material.

There are two things I just love about Kat Dennings.  Wait, it’s not her boobs!  Ok, it totally is her boobs.  So let’s just make that three things.  One, her left boob.  Two, her right boob.  And three, the fact that she is pale skinned and embraces it rather than slathering on the Fake Hollywood Tan.  I think this dress is gorgeous, but speaking as a girl who needs a little support myself, I am a bit concerned about a wardrobe malfunction.  And Kat?  Trust me on this:  they will be sore by the end of the night.  You’re welcome.

Ashley Judd may have a wee case of the crazies here.  I mean, her hair?  Is enormous and not in a sexy, ratted up 1960s way.  More like in a “I am going to dress and style my hair like I was in ‘Marie Antoinette’ even though I was not in ‘Marie Antoinette” because WHY NOT?  Also, funny faces!”

Julianne Moore, I love you.  You are fabulous.  And you always look fabulous!  So I can only assume that on the way out of the house tonight, you tripped over one of your adorable red haired children, banging your head on the designer coffee table and causing you to temporarily believe that neon yellow is, in fact, a flattering color on someone with red hair and pale skin.  Because it is not.

It’s not doing my girl Angela Chase any fucking favors, either.  And full disclosure?  She looked better with red hair.

OH ZOOEY DESCHANEL.  I get that your thing is being all adorable and childlike, but this dress?  I have to go with the same maxim I used on Gretchen Mol’s terrible shoes of shame:  If my four year old would wear it to play princesses in, it is NOT high fashion.

Jessica Pare is a beautiful girl.  In spite of my disdain for this One Shoulder Bullshit, I have to admit:  she is pulling this off like nobody’s business.  Her hair and makeup are flawless as well.  And get this:  while you and I are at our shitty ass day jobs, she is making out with Don Draper.  For a living.  Oh irony, we meet again.