Happy Valentine’s Day, Douchebags!
Personally, I hate Valentine’s Day. Instead of being happy about my current relationship, it just reminds me how many douchebags I have dated. You too? Well, here’s an idea: instead of a sweet shout-out to my honey, I am going to take this opportunity to exorcise some past mistakes. This is dedicated to my exes. Not ALL of them, of course. I don’t have that kind of time. These are guys who stood out as being particularly odious, tedious, ruinous or some other word that ends in “ous” that I can’t think of right now. And, because I love my readers, they are ranked in order from “A Complete Waste of Time” to “Why Aren’t You in Prison?” Let’s get the party started!
1. Jason: He was my high school boyfriend and a total pussy. He followed me around like a puppy dog, which I took as an unmistakable invitation to shit all over him. For two years. By the time I entered college, I was a drama queen of epic proportions and believed all men should bow down before me. Relationship ended when I started dating Contestant #2 below.
Rating: A Complete Waste of Time.
2. Matt: My college boyfriend. Such a self-serving jerk his own mother told me I was too good for him. He told me I was not pretty and basically treated my self esteem like Gallagher treats watermelons. I dated him for two years despite the fact he was a) fat, b) a pathological liar, and c) had an embarrassingly small dick. Relationship ended when I discovered him cheating on me with one of his co-workers who was, shockingly, also a fat, pathological liar. I don’t know if she had a small dick, but I wouldn’t be surprised. Most sickening fact: I actually talked baby talk to this asshole.
Rating: Kiss My (Still Not as Fat as Yours) Ass.
3. Ryan: This was my first “adult” relationship, meaning we were equally fucked up and for no good reason, cool with it. We were co-addicted to marijuana and self-delusion. He wasn’t such a bad guy, but the sex was horrible. Toward the end, my attitude toward sex was: “Let’s just get this over with.” Relationship ended when I started dating Contestant #4 below.
Rating: I Don’t Like You When the Drugs Wear Off.
4. Eric: He and I had a torrid psycho-sexual relationship. In fact, we only stopped fucking when we were fighting, and then quickly commenced to make up by fucking again. I was inexplicably charmed by this, until it became apparent that Eric was not playing at being psychotic, but was quite possibly the inspiration for Jack Nicholson’s character in “The Shining.” Relationship ended when he threatened to kill himself in my front yard.
We actually had the following fight:
Him: You fucking bitch.
Me: I’ve been called worse.
Him: Yeah, like what?
Me: Your girlfriend.
Rating: Why Aren’t You In Prison?
So Happy Valentine’s Day and Farewell, Douchebags! I don’t know about you, but I suddenly feel a lot better! Do not despair, ladies. Just when you are about to abandon all hope, a tall, charming singer in a kickass band will swoop in and make everything better.