Things That Exist.
Have you ever looked at something on the Internet and thought, “Why? Who would think that was…” and fill in the blank with “cool,” “funny,” or “even remotely necessary?” I sure have, mostly for stupid shit like lolcats, but THIS just completely confuses me.
This guy is Justin Vernon. He kind of looks like a child toucher but apparently he is not. He is in a band called Bon Iver. They sound like this:
They are one of those overly earnest, folky, neck beard wearing bands that aging hipsters just freaking love. Personally, I hate overly earnest. I’m on the fence with folky, but NECK BEARDS? Oh hell no. But here’s where the mystery comes in. There is apparently a new tumblr called “BonIverotica” and it’s just completely full of erotic stories about, you guessed it, Justin Vernon. Here is a sample:
Bon Iver warms the house with baking today. He visits me in my workroom with a heart-shaped sour cherry hand pie made from our preserves. We eat it standing up. It tastes like sunny summer. Our mouths are stained red and the floor is carpeted with flakes of his good buttery crust.
‘This pie is like our love,’ he muses.
I laugh and pluck a bit of pie out of his beard. ‘Tell me more,’ I say, kissing him.
He sighs happily and rubs his belly. ‘It’s warm, and we both like it.’
And as usual, I marvel at the power and simplicity of his words.
You plucked a bit of pie out of his beard??? OK, gross. I just can’t, you guys. He looks like he sleeps on park benches and maybe, just maybe, smells of lunch meat. The homeless thing is marginal, but salami smell is a definite nookie deal breaker.
That’s just science.