Spoiler Alert: Your Boyfriend is an Asshole.
Holy shit, people. Have you SEEN this story?
The short version: New York Post Page Six senior writer Stephanie Smith revealed in an essay on Wednesday that she’s the author of 300sandwiches.com, a blog about a woman whose relationship with her boyfriend apparently hinges on her making him a sandwich every day. When she reaches 300, she’ll get an engagement ring. (Isn’t that charming?)
Smith details how that came to pass:
Each morning, he would ask, “Honey, how long you have been awake?”
“About 15 minutes,” I’d reply.
“You’ve been up for 15 minutes and you haven’t made me a sandwich?” …
One lazy summer afternoon just over a year ago, I finally gave in. …
Eric devoured the sandwich … “Babes, this is delicious!” he exclaimed.
As he finished that last bite, he made an unexpected declaration of how much he loved me and that sandwich: “Honey, you’re 300 sandwiches away from an engagement ring!” …
Maybe I needed to show him I could cook to prove that I am wife material. If he wanted 300 sandwiches, I’d give him 300 sandwiches — and I’d blog about it.
And blog she has since June 2012, chronicling her bready journey to true love with recipes and beautiful food photography that’s “attracted attention from culinary world icons such as Emeril Lagasse, Michael White and Ken Friedman,” according to the New York Post. (Can a coffee-table sandwich cookbook be far behind?)
I just want to reach through my laptop, take Sandwich Lady by the hand and have a nice, long chat, which will go something like this.
Me: “Eric is an asshole. Leave him.”
SL: “NO! Eric is wonderful. He just has this hangup about sandwiches, which is honestly kind of cute.”
Me: “It is honestly fucked up, sexist, degrading and you are a fucking idiot for co-signing his bullshit.”
SL: “Look, I appreciate what you are saying but you don’t know him. Plus, I need to go because it’s Sandwich Thirty.”
Me: “You are going nowhere. Eric does not deserve sandwiches and he certainly doesn’t deserve any nookie.”
SL: “But he might be HUNGRY!”
Me: “A good punch to the throat will take care of that.”
Honestly, what is up with some people? Raise your hands if you think marrying this dick is a good idea. NO HANDS, am I right? So there you go, Sandwich Lady (who will henceforth be known as Pushover Patty). Welcome to the rest of your horrible life.